Only wish

I never expect a simple outing with some old friends would make me ponder so much about who and what I am all this while.

I’ve always been inattractive ever since I was six years old. Nightmare started since then. I’ve been growing up, facing extreme hostility and totally hating myself for not looking good. Not even a bit. So I study hard to compensate what I’m lack of. I thought I would have at least one thing to comfort myself at times when I couldn’t hold on anymore. It worked but not anymore.

I love making friends but at the same time I hate how things would turn out to be. It never end up good. NEVER. It’s a really sad story. I can’t blame people for how they react as it’s a really natural thing. Who would choose to hang out with a below average girl rather than some pretty girls? I wouldn’t too if I was qualified to say so. I have way too much horrible and terrible experiences for me to even begin with. To think of them is already a great torture. I don’t want to. I refuse to. I’ll just pretend I can’t remember.

I could list tons of bad things about myself but not the good ones. Do I even have one? I don’t know. I hate doing anything that’s related to people. I hate communicating with people. It makes me think and worry of how they would look at me. I can’t do anything with confident nowadays. All I could is concentrate on my studies. I’m okay with my results all this while if not satisfied. They are always above average. And then I heard them talk about their future plans. Something about being what and what and furthering their studies at where and where. One of them told me that I would be as good as them if I wasn’t lazy. It was then only I realised that I ain’t that good after all. Doing my best isn’t enough. There isn’t anything to be proud of my studies. There is nothing.

Tell me, what can I be proud of? What do I have? Why am I always below normal? Sometimes when I look into the mirror or at my pictures I feel like beating myself up for being the way I am. How can I be so imperfect? Can’t I look a little better?

Most of the time I envy and adore people for who they are and I’ll think, is there someone out there who is wishing to be in my shoes like how I always wish to be in other people’s shoes? None.

All I want to be is normal. Leading a normal life like a normal girl, having normal relationships and abilities like a normal teenager.

But normal seems impossible to me.